Being an In-law

I really liked and appreciated what Harper and Olsen (2005) stated about becoming an independent couple and yet having a healthy relationship with in-laws. He talked about how when a couple marries, they need to have and establish their own sense of identity. Moving away and having a reasonable distance from in-laws is one thing couples can do to help them establish themselves as a couple and create and establish their own family and family rules. Having the in-laws be understanding and encouraging of the couple creating their own identity is critical. Parents from either side cannot be pulling the couple from either side or direction. In-laws also need to be courteous and not try to make their child feel guilty for not coming to every single family function or spending all of their time with them. Parents need to be there to love and support their children and not try to guilt them into continual submission. 

My husband and I experience some of these issues with my parents. There was a family reunion vacation that my side of the family was having. Many of my family members pressured and made us feel guilty if we didn’t go. We finally ended up going and there were a couple of days of the vacation where we just wanted to spend some time alone as a family. My family then scolded and got upset with us that we weren’t spending all of our time with them. My family also gets really upset if we even appear to favor my husband’s side of the family. My parents blame any lack of a relationship between me and them and my husband and them on me. On my husband’s side of the family, he is/was very dependent on his family. We were living with his mom when we first got married and it was difficult to get him to agree to move out. To try to get him to move out of state to go to school, was like pulling teeth. He wanted to stay in Utah because his family was there. We were spending time with his family multiple times a week. Once we finally moved away, our marriage got better and improved since we were finally able to turn to each other rather than him turning to his family for help. Having that distance as a couple is so needed and necessary in order to establish and have a good relationship with your spouse.

Family Councils

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I really liked what I had read in M. Russell Ballard's (1997) book about counseling with our counselors. In the chapter, he talks about how each branch in the Church has council meetings. Where everyone in the Presidency meets together and discusses the needs of the people that they preside over. Each person brings their thoughts and ideas to the table. They have a discussion of the different ideas. Based off of what was discussed and the Spirit, the President then makes the decisions that he feels is needed and necessary for those that he is serving. He doesn't just do it alone, he relies on the help and knowledge of those around him. 

This really reminds me of and makes me think of families. I think that if families also held councils, that they would function even better. Families can gather once a week and can discuss a variety of things. They can talk about something that may be happening in the family, everyone's feelings, family rules, or fights that take place. They can then talk to each other and bring in everyone's account. Then make the adjustments needed based off the family's needs, to help the family continue to function. This also helps create a place and environment where everyone can say how they feel without worry of getting into trouble and so that they know that what they say and how they feel matters. This can really help bring harmony into a home. My husband and I do this once in awhile. We don't do it every week since we don't need to quite yet. However, having these times and moments to discuss the needs of our family, really helps us to make the best choice that fits everyone's needs.

Emotional Infidelity

I really liked the story that Matheson (2009) shared in his talk. He gave the story about Jane who had gotten especially close to a male coworker. Her family and friends expressed their concern with how close they had gotten and how much time they had been spending together. Jane continued to defend herself saying that she was doing nothing wrong. She was looking in the aspect that she had never been intimate with the coworker. Then one day, her sister asked her a series of questions in the which, when Jane answered, showed her that she was turning to her coworker far more than she was to her husband. She had been pulling away from her husband and her marriage. After this conversation with her sister, she cut it off with her coworker. She stopped meeting him for lunch and talking to him online. She then started telling her husband everything that she had originally been telling her coworker. Her husband had been hurt by her emotional infidelity and it took time for them to rebuild their trust and their relationship. He then went on to talk about the importance of giving our spouse EVERYTHING. ALL of our heart and mind. 

This can be very difficult as we may connect with other people in some ways better than others. I know for me, this was almost an issue. I had a crush on my husband and another guy at the same time. In fact, they had actually both been companions on the mission. We all served in the same mission. My husband was still on his mission while the other guy and I were up here at BYUI for school. Since we were close by, we hung out a lot and developed an emotional bond. However, my feelings for my now husband, were stronger. The other guy knew my feelings and even tried to propose and get me to marry him before my husband got home. I said no. Though I was emotionally connected, I also knew that he was too toxic for me. My husband came home and we started dating. I would only text the other guy as long as it was in a group chat with my husband. While my husband and I were dating and even right after we got married, I found myself wanting to talk to the other guy since we understood me in a way that I felt like my husband didn't. Part of me was tempted to hide it from him. However, I turned to and told my husband instead and we would have a good conversation. My husband eventually asked me to permanently cut off contact with the other guy and even blocked his number on my phone. I happily did it for my marriage and it has really helped strengthen my marriage since the other guy isn't around to put a rift in it. It was hard to lose a good friend, but so rewarding in the end. It is SO important that we really do give our spouse EVERYTHING that we have to offer and to not split it.

Dreams

I loved what I read and learned in Gottman's (2015) book this week! He talked about how a lot of disagreements couples have, are actually because of unacknowledged or unexpressed dreams. He gave an example of a couple with different opinions about a kept house. The wife preferred the house tidy because growing up, her childhood was chaos. The house was a mess, she had no clean clothes to wear and her parents would often forget to pick her up from school. So to her a tidy home is a place where her kids can feel secure and at peace. For the husband, his mother always kept an extremely tidy home and was worried about appearances. She would constantly nag him to keep it clean. So to him, a messy home is a home of freedom and not nagging. There is usually a dream, no matter how big or small, behind an action of a spouse. So Gottman encouraged spouses to have those discussions. He said that it may not fully resolve the problem, but at least there would be a greater understanding.

This concept just BLEW my mind! I started to think about my own marriage and where this might be the case in my own marriage. Keeping a clean place is also one for my husband and I. I like to keep a clean apartment because growing up, my life was basically completely controlled. I was even told how to feel and think. If I thought or felt differently, I was reprimanded and told how I was "actually" feeling. So to me a clean home is something that I actually get to control. And I want an environment that is clean and safe for my kids where they can be free to be themselves and feel security. For my husband, he and his family only cleaned up the house once a week. They spent the rest of the time with each other. So for him, a messy house, is a home where the family cares more about each other than appearances. I'm going to continue to use this technique when my husband and I aren't seeing eye to eye on something so that we can gain a better perspective of where we're coming from.

Marriage Equity

In Goddard's (2007) book, he mentioned about how couples in today's society try to reach marriage equity. He says that most couples try to reach this by splitting up and designating chores between the two. He mentions that this tactic is not very effective since it encourages "score-keeping" and to keep a tally of their contributions. This can actually cause further conflict in a marriage when spouses start to argue over chores that didn't get done, who was supposed to do them, and the lack of help getting something done when the other person may be swamped with work. He then goes on to discuss that it's best for both individuals to put in all of their effort. 

This reminded me of one of my marriage classes. My teacher talked about how couples can't give or do 50-50 because it just doesn't work and conflicts arise. He said that the best thing that a couple can do for their marriage is for both of them to give 100%. To give their marriage and all of their efforts their all. By giving your marriage your everything instead of only part of it, you help strengthen your marriage and there's less likely to be any fights over someone not doing enough or doing their part. I've also seen this in my own marriage. When my husband and I first got married, we would do what we felt to be our part and then leave the rest for the other person. However, some of those other things then didn't get done and we would then end up fighting about it. Lately however, we have been better about giving everything our all. Fights have gone down a lot and everything is getting done. It really does work best to have both give their all rather than waiting on each other or dividing everything up to seem fair.

Update From Last Post

So last time I talked about how I would thank my husband for each and every individual thing that he did and it worked wonders that I didn't even expect! For example, my husband had come back from a week long work trip. He woke up and a fairly early/late time the next day and took our son out to the front room so I could continue to sleep. Not only did he take him out, but he also got him ready for the day! I was so grateful for that and I thanked him for letting me sleep and getting our son ready. My husband then proceeded to do it for the next two days! And each time I thanked him. He also started helping clean up the apartment a lot more. He would ask me what I needed done or he would just find something that needed to be done and do it. Again, I thanked him for each thing individually. It seemed that he really appreciated being appreciated and that got him to want to do more. I have yet to ask him though. However, we have been fighting a lot less about chores and I haven't nagged him at all. I didn't need to. Our marriage has definitely improved and gotten a lot better since I started doing this and I plan to keep it up!

Pride In Marriage

I really liked and appreciated what Goddard (2007) shared in his book about having pride within our marriage. He talked about how in many marriages, spouses blame each other for the problems that they are having. If they are having a disagreement, or a fight about something, they will blame the other for being selfish and not bending to each other's will. Or if their spouse does something that they don't like, they use that as a way to find fault in their spouse and only continue to blame them further. Eventually, their own prideful thinking rewrites and overrides all of the good and happiness in a marriage and replaces it with blame and contempt. He continued on saying that we must let go of pride, if we want our marriages to live and thrive and for us to find joy in them. 

In a sense, I have been guilty of this as well. I get really upset with my husband for not doing, what I feel, is his part. He works hard at his construction job and comes home tired. And I understand and acknowledge the fact that he does. However, after he comes home, he just plays video games for the rest of the day. I complain to him because I feel like he is being lazy and just leaves everything else to me. Not only do I have to do homework, but I also have to take care of the baby, and clean up the apartment which is usually his mess. When we get into "discussions" about it, we essentially blame each other and talk about how we both do a lot and how the other isn't appreciating that. Something that I want to try to do this week, is to let go of my pride and entitlement to my husband's time when he gets home. Instead, just show how much I appreciate him and not look at or see how I may have done more than he has. One way that I plan on doing that is telling him at the end up of the day how much I appreciate everything he did. And list off everything that he did while thanking him so that he knows that I do notice the things that he does and appreciate them individually rather than give a blanket thanks.